I like you

An open fan letter to Amy Sedaris:

Dear Amy,

I thoroughly enjoyed your book, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence. It is a refreshing pragmatic guide for inviting those people you call “friends” into your home. In fact, I liked it so much I think you should have your own magazine devoted to the topic. I suggest this because I’m sure you have a zillion more crafts that make use of old pantyhose and because I am a magazine whore who could use one more fix. I can’t get enough of those gloss pages and colorful photos with relatively few words. Especially if they can tell me, in 1000 words or less, how my current life could be improved by a new recipe/paint color/outfit/black and white picture collage/flower arrangement. That’s why I enjoyed your book so much – high picture-to-word ratio with sound advice to boot.

Just in case you need some additional entertaining ideas (and let’s face it – even at 250 words a story it’ll still take a whole lotta words and ideas to fill a mag every month), here are a few of my own that you are free to use. And of course you could always pass these off as your own ideas. You could just be like, “Whatever, Kristen N. in San Diego – I had that same idea years ago”. Plus most of these are ideas I stole from my friends anyway.

1) Puff pastry squares: These things rock. Seriously. Your friends will be amazed at the fancy sh*t you can make with these. Just make a filling, glob a spoon full into the middle, fold over into a triangle and bake at 425 for 20 min. As for filling pretty much anything goes. It is a great way to use up random stuff left in the back of the frig (check for mold first). Here are just a few ideas, but feel free to include your own:

Feta & frozen spinach
Brie & apple slices (or frozen raspberries)
Mozzarella, pepperoni & tomato sauce (or just buy Pizza Bites)
Any random fruit that is about to go bad (sprinkle with cinnamon sugar)
Sautéd mushroom & onions with Swiss cheese
Bananas, peanut butter & caramel sauce
Canned pie filling

Of course, they make big sheets of puff pastry that can be cut into squares, but that never seems to work well for me. The sheet tears, or it cracks in the creases because I don’t let it defrost enough before I unfold it, or the squares turn out lop-sided (M.S. suggests using a ruler to cut even squares, but I don’t own one). Puff pastry squares can also used to top individual ramekins of chicken pot pie or fruit cobbler. Oh, make sure to squeeze out the extra water from frozen items like spinach & raspberries.

2) Beer-mosa: For the brunch hostess with just a touch of class, but then Costco stopped selling the $4.59 magnum of champagne. Mix OJ with light beer, preferable Miller High Life (it is the champagne of beers, you know). Other Miller brand beers are acceptable, such as Miller Lite, but don’t ever ever use Coors Lite.

3) Squashages: This is a brand new addition to autumnal repertoire, inspired by a recipe in Bon Appetite and a need to use up a large amount of squash. On a recent trip to a pick-your-own-pumpkin pumpkin patch I bought X number of squash for $1.50 lb and I paid $27. Each squash weighs, on average, 3 lbs. How many squash did I buy? (Answer: 6 squashes). The B.N. recipe was vegetarian, so it originally contained very little sausage. Plus the original recipe was so long and complicated I didn’t read it all the way through.

Cut acorn squash in half. Oil, salt & pepper. Place cut side down & roast at 425 for 40-ish min. Meanwhile prepare filling. Brown Jimmy Dean sage flavored sausage (use at least twice as much as is called for in the vegetarian version). Remove sausage from pan & sauté chopped onions, garlic, fennel, mushrooms and green apple. Get instant wild rice packet from Trader Joe’s & microwave 2 min. Mix sausage, veggies & rice, then stir in Parmesan cheese & feta cheese. Fill cavity of squash with filling (really pack it in there & mound it up) then bake upright at 350 for 15 min. If the squash are wobbly make them an aluminum foil nest. Wine suggestion: Three Buck Chuck Shiraz, also procured from Trader Joe’s.

4) Halloween activities: Bobbing for drunken apples. Get standard bobbing for apples set up (bucket, water, towels). Take apples and make a hole in the bottom using an electric drill with a spade bit. Insert various liquor mini-bottles into the hole (for easy of insertion use only round mini-bottles). Bob away.

5) Baby shower activities: Baby Beer Bottle Boat Races. If you are throwing a Baby Shower Kegger a really fun game is to fill plastic baby bottles (2/$1 at the $0.99 store) with beer and have a boat race. Standard boat race rules apply, but enlargement of nipple is grounds for disqualification. Mom-to-be may substitute beer for O'Douls. Variation: Sippy Cup Tippy Cup. Related non-sanctioned craft project: Baby Bottle Bong Making (requires aluminum foil & Bic pen).


Kisses, Kristen N. in San Diego